It's been a week. I haven't even been sure what to write. The kids started school, which I hope will be the last major hurdle of "adjusting to life back in the U.S." I'm not saying there will be no more hurdles, just hopefully none so high as this one that threatens to pull some muscles.
Pull it has. Monday was our first at home day, and since we were jumping in to the middle of things, we didn't have quite as much as the other kids. We wrestled with feelings of anxiety throughout the day. I was trying to keep a positive outlook, but when we put the kids' books into their fresh new backpacks right before bedtime and they didn't all fit, all the wind got knocked out of my sails. Unfortunately, the kids were sailing in my boat, so we all sank a little bit.
By the morning, after a quick online order to L.L. Bean for larger backpacks, we were back on track. We were ready 1/2 hour early, God be praised! I am expected to help in each of their classrooms 2-3 times per semester and the only open day for Megan's class was Tuesday. No, I don't sit by the side of the pool and acclamate. I jump in!
It turned out to be just what Megan needed to calm her nerves. I sat in the corner and graded papers while her teachers amazed me. I saw Ethan at lunch and he was happily sitting with his best friend and some other 7th graders. All seemed well.
And then Wednesday happened, when they had to face the reality of what days at home entail, except we got to throw in things like "daddy's gone" and "we're still in major transition" to make it more interesting. Lets just say there were a lot of tears and a mom who needed a bath and a stiff drink by the end of the day. Not pretty people, not pretty.
Today was another school day, and they loved it. I dropped them off, ran some errands, came home and thought, "Wow. Now what?" then proceeded to do a little work and a little fun (hello OPI Samoan Sand on my finger and toenails). The kids came home and decided they love school and hate the work they have to do at home. I hope that evens out a little as time goes on.
Stretching emotional muscles. So often this week I just had to sit and cry with the kids and say, "Yeah, I get it. This is really hard. I think it's going to get easier. Let's remember that we're in process here ok?" But there were plenty of times I wanted to say, "I can't do this any more. I have my own mess. I don't know that I have anything to give you in yours."
Even as I type that I am reminded that His compassions are new every morning. That's what I need to remind us each day - that He sees us in our process, He cares for our hearts, He will carry us through.
Showing posts with label homeschool. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homeschool. Show all posts
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Looking at school
What's in my view these days? Schooling, that's what. We're looking at schools. Seems like a simple thing, but because I don't do simple, it's raising all kinds of interesting issues in my heart.
Initially we had planned to keep homeschooling through this transition because it seemed the easiest thing to do and would give some normalcy to life along with time to process with the kids. Our schooling philosophy has always been whatever option seemed to offer the best education for our kids while aligning with our values and lifestyle. Previously, this has always hands down been homeschooling.
And then I went to visit this school in Orlando, a hybrid between private school and homeschool. The kids have teachers who love teaching and do it creatively and wholeheartedly (hmm . . . I can't say that's how I would describe myself). The academics of this place are off the charts. The more I listened, the more I became convinced, "This offers my kids a better education than I can give them."
So I left that informational meeting with a mixture of hope, relief, and not a small measure of feeling unsettled and overwhelmed. The first two seem natural. It's like after years of pushing a large rock up a hill, someone is coming along to say, "Here, can we help you with that?" Yes, gladly!
But the other feelings are ones I don't necessarily want to own. That wonderful meeting about this great educational opportunity for our kids raised in me feelings of failure. I hated realizing that I wasn't doing as well as I could be with our kids. I hated feeling like I might put my kids in this school and people would see the gaps in their education, gaps I didn't cover because I wasn't a "good enough" teacher.
I know, I know. I can hear all the things people tell me when I say these things out loud. Things like how I've done the best I could, how our kids are doing well, how no one's perfect and there is grace for all our lack, how my value isn't about how "successful" I am. They are the things I told myself all that drive home.
You see, these aren't new feelings to me. What is new is trying to peacefully co-exist with them, to talk them down out of their trees, to befriend them and ask them what they really want. I am learning to sidle up next to those feelings and say, "So you like to do things well, huh? Yeah, I suppose a lot of people do. That's a good desire. Too bad we can't always do it as well as we'd like right?" It helps.
See? I told you I don't do simple. But feelings aside, we are moving forward with this. All my well-laid plans and curriculum for the year are being re-evaluated and partly set aside and I'm trying to figure out the balance between trying to make up for those gaps the kids have and the fact that we simply can't do it all in 2 months before they start. In the end, I think I'm really going to enjoy this school view.
Initially we had planned to keep homeschooling through this transition because it seemed the easiest thing to do and would give some normalcy to life along with time to process with the kids. Our schooling philosophy has always been whatever option seemed to offer the best education for our kids while aligning with our values and lifestyle. Previously, this has always hands down been homeschooling.
And then I went to visit this school in Orlando, a hybrid between private school and homeschool. The kids have teachers who love teaching and do it creatively and wholeheartedly (hmm . . . I can't say that's how I would describe myself). The academics of this place are off the charts. The more I listened, the more I became convinced, "This offers my kids a better education than I can give them."
So I left that informational meeting with a mixture of hope, relief, and not a small measure of feeling unsettled and overwhelmed. The first two seem natural. It's like after years of pushing a large rock up a hill, someone is coming along to say, "Here, can we help you with that?" Yes, gladly!
But the other feelings are ones I don't necessarily want to own. That wonderful meeting about this great educational opportunity for our kids raised in me feelings of failure. I hated realizing that I wasn't doing as well as I could be with our kids. I hated feeling like I might put my kids in this school and people would see the gaps in their education, gaps I didn't cover because I wasn't a "good enough" teacher.
I know, I know. I can hear all the things people tell me when I say these things out loud. Things like how I've done the best I could, how our kids are doing well, how no one's perfect and there is grace for all our lack, how my value isn't about how "successful" I am. They are the things I told myself all that drive home.
You see, these aren't new feelings to me. What is new is trying to peacefully co-exist with them, to talk them down out of their trees, to befriend them and ask them what they really want. I am learning to sidle up next to those feelings and say, "So you like to do things well, huh? Yeah, I suppose a lot of people do. That's a good desire. Too bad we can't always do it as well as we'd like right?" It helps.
See? I told you I don't do simple. But feelings aside, we are moving forward with this. All my well-laid plans and curriculum for the year are being re-evaluated and partly set aside and I'm trying to figure out the balance between trying to make up for those gaps the kids have and the fact that we simply can't do it all in 2 months before they start. In the end, I think I'm really going to enjoy this school view.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Feeling the need
Remember that need I was talking about a few posts ago? That "boy I sure hope I don't forget about God here, I want to feel my need for Him" need?
Yeah, I'm feeling it. I know I didn't really have a hope that I wouldn't. God doesn't let opportunities like that pass.
In the last few years, we've noticed some struggles Ethan is having with school. He often has difficulty recalling facts and information, even things he's studied over and over. This, from the kid who can recall entire stories and movie plots in detail after one exposure. He second-guesses himself and loses confidence frequently. We have days where he insists his "brain isn't working" that generally end in tears all around and me wondering how quickly I can pass him off to someone who knows how to teach him better.
This week it seems like all this has been more overwhelming than usual. Of course Erik being on the tail end of a 12 day trip, coupled with all of us hitting new waves of transition loneliness just adds to the emotional upheaval. I have often felt helpless, clueless, like a failure. In short, it's been a rough week.
One night after praying with Ethan about that day, I sat down and began reading through scripture. As I did, I was overwhelmed by the thought of putting my hope in God. The more I thought about it, the more peace and assurance I felt. He has brought us to this place of need and He will lead us through it with His resources. Why was I trying so hard to scrounge up my feeble ones?
We don't like to feel our need for things, but it is in feeling our need and expressing it to God that we see His character - His power, love, wisdom, strength, and glory, which is more than sufficient for our needs.
Yeah, I'm feeling it. I know I didn't really have a hope that I wouldn't. God doesn't let opportunities like that pass.
In the last few years, we've noticed some struggles Ethan is having with school. He often has difficulty recalling facts and information, even things he's studied over and over. This, from the kid who can recall entire stories and movie plots in detail after one exposure. He second-guesses himself and loses confidence frequently. We have days where he insists his "brain isn't working" that generally end in tears all around and me wondering how quickly I can pass him off to someone who knows how to teach him better.
This week it seems like all this has been more overwhelming than usual. Of course Erik being on the tail end of a 12 day trip, coupled with all of us hitting new waves of transition loneliness just adds to the emotional upheaval. I have often felt helpless, clueless, like a failure. In short, it's been a rough week.
One night after praying with Ethan about that day, I sat down and began reading through scripture. As I did, I was overwhelmed by the thought of putting my hope in God. The more I thought about it, the more peace and assurance I felt. He has brought us to this place of need and He will lead us through it with His resources. Why was I trying so hard to scrounge up my feeble ones?
We don't like to feel our need for things, but it is in feeling our need and expressing it to God that we see His character - His power, love, wisdom, strength, and glory, which is more than sufficient for our needs.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
The Homeschool View
One of the most frequent questions I have heard throughout our transition is, "Are you going to homeschool in America?" On the one hand, the thought of homeschooling in America sounds SO much easier than doing it in China, so why not? Hello libraries! Hello fast internet! Hello Amazon Prime that comes to my door in two days! Hello even more people who homeschool! Wow - that looks like I'm really excited, and also, quite friendly.
On the other hand, there are schools here. Schools that don't ask me to decide between sending my child to 5th grade or her freshman year of college for tuition. Schools where our kids could learn things I don't teach them, where they could have experiences they don't get at home.
I've never been a hard core homeschool mom. Our decision to homeschool was more out of necessity than choice. That said, I don't regret doing it; I see only good things that have come from it.
But as we look to Orlando, we're considering the options. Florida itself is not known for its stellar education system (#48 out of 50?!?) but there are other choices besides public schools (and even those we haven't ruled out). When we head down there in a few weeks, I hope to look at one of them in particular. I had previously written it off, but it's run by someone we know and our dear friends' kids go there, so our kids are all for it.
For now, we have three baskets full of books, binders and curriculum in the kids' bedrooms. They mostly work at the desks in their rooms or on their beds. So far so good, but who knows how much longer we'll have this view?
On the other hand, there are schools here. Schools that don't ask me to decide between sending my child to 5th grade or her freshman year of college for tuition. Schools where our kids could learn things I don't teach them, where they could have experiences they don't get at home.
I've never been a hard core homeschool mom. Our decision to homeschool was more out of necessity than choice. That said, I don't regret doing it; I see only good things that have come from it.
But as we look to Orlando, we're considering the options. Florida itself is not known for its stellar education system (#48 out of 50?!?) but there are other choices besides public schools (and even those we haven't ruled out). When we head down there in a few weeks, I hope to look at one of them in particular. I had previously written it off, but it's run by someone we know and our dear friends' kids go there, so our kids are all for it.
For now, we have three baskets full of books, binders and curriculum in the kids' bedrooms. They mostly work at the desks in their rooms or on their beds. So far so good, but who knows how much longer we'll have this view?
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Ready, set, go
I really didn't want to run this morning.
Usually, the night before, I am looking forward to a run. I envision myself running farther and faster, people staring in awe as I fly by (actually that last part would never happen, but that's ok). Come morning, I am a little less enthusiastic.
This time, I wasn't even excited last night, so I didn't have a great deal of hope for the morning. It was only the fact that I am running a 5K on Saturday and don't want to fail miserably that I forced myself out the door.
To my surprise, it was a good run. It helps to have a gorgeous route and cool temps. At the turnaround point I was tempted to go further, but decided not to push it. Good thing too because I always forget how long and steep is the final quarter mile back to the house.
Why am I telling you all this? Well because it perfectly illustrates how I am feeling today about homeschool. In all the craziness of packing to leave 13 years of life behind, this "having to teach to the kids" thing kind of snuck up on me.
I really don't want to homeschool this morning.
Yesterday I was a madhouse of planning, preparing, and buying last minute materials. I am hoping to ease into it this week but with the amount that we are going to be disturbed in our schedule this year I know we can't afford to not dive in head first next week. I don't want to say goodbye to all my free time and hello to being a teacher again, but we can't have feral, uneducated young'uns running around.
But who knows? It could be good. It has been before. Yes, it's tough, and there are steep hills to climb, but I think we'll get into a groove soon enough.
So here we are. Ready, set, go.
Usually, the night before, I am looking forward to a run. I envision myself running farther and faster, people staring in awe as I fly by (actually that last part would never happen, but that's ok). Come morning, I am a little less enthusiastic.
This time, I wasn't even excited last night, so I didn't have a great deal of hope for the morning. It was only the fact that I am running a 5K on Saturday and don't want to fail miserably that I forced myself out the door.
To my surprise, it was a good run. It helps to have a gorgeous route and cool temps. At the turnaround point I was tempted to go further, but decided not to push it. Good thing too because I always forget how long and steep is the final quarter mile back to the house.
Why am I telling you all this? Well because it perfectly illustrates how I am feeling today about homeschool. In all the craziness of packing to leave 13 years of life behind, this "having to teach to the kids" thing kind of snuck up on me.
I really don't want to homeschool this morning.
Yesterday I was a madhouse of planning, preparing, and buying last minute materials. I am hoping to ease into it this week but with the amount that we are going to be disturbed in our schedule this year I know we can't afford to not dive in head first next week. I don't want to say goodbye to all my free time and hello to being a teacher again, but we can't have feral, uneducated young'uns running around.
But who knows? It could be good. It has been before. Yes, it's tough, and there are steep hills to climb, but I think we'll get into a groove soon enough.
So here we are. Ready, set, go.
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