Do not let the current state of our house fool you. Though people who have visited express astonishment at how "settled" everything looks, mine is not a settled heart. I think perhaps our zeal to get the house in order quickly is partly a way to occupy our hearts, to distract them, to make them think they should be settled too. It's also evidence of the fact that this isn't our first rodeo, and we know that we'd rather go great guns at the beginning rather than to drag out the process of unpacking and decorating.
Truth be told, my heart feels untethered. Lost. I miss knowing and being known. I remember now Ethan's "my heart is tired of all the new things." The new things make my heart feel like it's climbing a mountain. The last few days I've let myself linger in these feelings a little more, shed some tears.
I search the scripture for some balm. What I really want is for something to make it all go away - something to satisfy my need to feel found, rooted, known. A part of me knows that I am all these things in God, but feelings don't so quickly follow reality. I hope that He will give me something more.
What I find is not satisfaction but hope. Psalm 37:3 says, "dwell in the land and feed on faithfulness." I know that for my heart to move toward satisfaction it will take courage, faith, endurance, and lots of time.
In the meanwhile I can feed on His faithfulness to me. I recall the transitions of my life and I have hope. He has proved Himself good to us again and again. He is El Roi, the God Who Sees. He is Jehovah Jireh, the One Who Provides. He is Immanuel, God With Us. I will feed on this.
"At an acceptable time, O God . . . answer me in your saving faithfulness." Psalm 69:13